Flatliners: A Roast



Now with another weekly post I will probably do is a roast. Basically I will find the worst on rotten tomatoes or have readers recommend me different bad movies, TV shows, and other forms of media and just Jeff Ross roast the shit out of it. Flatliners is the first (and could literally be the worst) installment to the series. When a film has a ZERO PERCENT on rotten tomatoes for any longer than 24 hours, I have to see it.

Man, was this movie one of the worst things I have ever seen in my young lifetime. From the opening scene I just sat in my seat and sulked thinking “What did I just get myself into”? From the editing, to music, to plot, and basically everyone and everything that went into making this movie should be castrated and removed from society. The fact I was charged for this film is not just a crime against my wellbeing, but I feel like someone should punch me in the cock for willingly buying a ticket. If I end up adding this to the 2 Minute Review on the podcast, I’m shattering two minutes. I understand this was a sequel/remake of a film from the 90’s since that’s all the rage in Hollywood, but there is no chance I watch the original.

The plot is basically Ellen Page texts and drive (ON A FLIP PHONE NO LESS) and crashes her car and kills her sister. Then, she somehow becomes a medical student after committing involuntary manslaughter and starts killing herself to find out what happens after you die. She recruits Nina Dobrev, James Norton, and Kiersey Clemons to revive her after she offs herself. Diego Luna is against it but helps revive her anyway and then just becomes the revival specialist instead of doing the sensible thing and FUCKING LEAVE. After they revive Ellen Page, basically she becomes a superhuman and the smartest student alive, making everyone wanting to flatline for their own monetary benefit. Then everyone is haunted by past mistakes and grievances in the most cheesy and terrible horror tropes in a movie. I literally did not react once to a jump scare or anything.

After everyone besides Diego Luna plays God there are some of the most cringe worthy scenes in this movie. Awkward sex scenes, these two terrible slow motion party scenes where I literally had a face twitch, and I guess Ellen Page got her rocks off dying, which might have been a top 5 WORST lines uttered in a movie. Then like halfway through, ELLEN PAGE DIES FROM THE GHOST OF HER DEAD SISTER. I AM NOT JOKING. Arguably the biggest star and main character just falls off her balcony because her brain fried out from dying and kept seeing her dead sister who KILLS HER. One of the best parts of this movie is in the beginning they say the brain doesn’t sustain damage while someone is dead until the 4 minute mark, which is funny since every revival scene takes about 4-5 minutes anyway before the person comes back. But, no that’s not true it’s really only a minute sequence everyone is fine fuck continuity.

Not only is this the worst, but the other characters are arguably the biggest pieces of shit in the world. James Norton got a chick knocked up and left her to get an abortion by herself like a real jackass. Nina Dobrev lied about killing a patient and committed malpractice, and Kiersey Clemons got jealous of a smarter girl  in high school like a true thot leaked her nudes to the entire school. These people deserve everything that happened to them without question. I can’t say anything about Diego Luna but I’m pretty sure he was there to get a check and move the fuck on. And everyone who haunts these kids literally are less scary than a family member you killed accidentally. I really hope one of the cast members read this because if you are, go fuck yourself.

The ending was so bad I left before the credits actually rolled. Everyone just admitted to their faults and it seemed to fixed everything. SOMEONE MURDERED A PATIENT AND THEY ONLY RECEIVED A SUSPENSION. NOT THROWN IN JAIL, NOT KICKED OUT OF MEDICAL SCHOOL, NOT EVEN HER LICENSE BEING REVOKED. JUST A SLAP ON THE WRIST FOR MURDER. WHAT PLANET TO I LIVE ON.

This movie needs to be buried with The Room and Shazam the genie movie starring Sinbad as garbage that needs to be burned in an incinerator to be never seen again. There is nothing to say outside of that. Neils Arden Oplev, the director of this movie, needs to not touch a camera lens, editing bay, or anything in Hollywood again. Do yourself a favor this weekend, and more importantly the rest of your life, DO NOT SEE FLATLINERS.

Score: Fuck You/ Suck My Dick


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